my book

I feel like you are dark dark

but all i want need am is light

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It’s been on my mind for the past year actually, where I’ve been questioning whether or not I’m actually helping the people I supposedly ‘lead’.

This week is the first time that I’ve given the reigns to other people, in terms of them organising the activity. It hasn’t been easy. I know I’m nick-picky and want everything organised well, so standing back and watching them do the work is a bit of a test for me.

I’ve stepped back and let things be sorted, but now I’m in a hard place.
On one hand
people don’t respond to emails or come to meetings
they leave it to the very very very last minute to do things
they say great ideas but then they do nothing about them
they say that they’re going to do things but then i see them the next day and they say, oh I’ll do it tonight

On the other, if I just let things be:
they’re going to get pissed because things didn’t turn out the way that they /expected/ (but not the way they actually planned it)
and then they’ll bitch or joke about how it was some other person’s fault
and then I’ll have to say it to their face that damn girl, it was your mistake
the people who the event is planned for will turn to me for fault, mainly because I’ve been the one who has sent all these emails that they should have done

I get it if you’re reluctant to do things because you’re being forced to, but hey, you’re not. You put your hand up for this position and you have the responsibility to do what the role entails. There’s no fucking point going for this role if you don’t put your heart into it and you’re only doing it to put onto your CV, let someone else with a genuine passion take the role.

I think the worst part is that the massive thing that they’ve overlooked is actually a very intimidating teacher, who we need to get on the good side of. I don’t even know if they’ve asked for their permission to do this, hell we don’t even know who will turn up because they sent the details so late/they sent the details to freaking everyone.

It feels like they’re helping to empty the trash can but leaving a trail of shit as they walk, which i have to clean up after.

But is that what a ‘leader’ is? Helping to clean up rather than to guide the party?

We’ll find out tomorrow.

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You collide my worlds. My past past past, my past past, my past, my now.

You’re like the Doctor; flip-flopping around, but always turning up in my day, whether it’s a second long glimpse on my screen or a glance at the metal shop that shares your name or an hour in your presence after dark.

It’s always impromptu, abrupt, unexpected, even though you’re still constantly here.

I wish you were gone, but really, I wish you were my future.  

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Double free, then a really inspiring speaker at assembly. Not that others agreed with me, but she was a student who had done a phd on basically my EI topic from last year, finding how to move over the barrier from intention to action to make pro-social choices. Currently emailing her now.

Lunch with v cool people, then englang for 90 mins at school until the cleaners came. It’s so peaceful yet strangely motivating, studying late at school. I also looked up to a noticeboard, and saw a completed poster of Jamie’s Food Rev day that  had sent out a few months ago. People actually did it. Made me smile.

Walked to tram stop but the clouds decided to start peeing on me. Thank the lord Hedwig was there, all cute and bubbly. We were kind of soaked by the time we were on the tram, but it was great to chat with her, finally.

Clouds were still peeing, but that’s okay because I had dinner with V and S and S. /yes curry/ V said she would always love them unconditionally, which I think, other than being a Twilight quote,  is one of the most sincere and loving things you can say to someone. 

There was five minutes when I felt that especially: S and I had finished eating, but V and S were still munching, skirts unbuttoned to make things more comfy HAHA, arms across the table to dip their spoons into each plate to taste the sauces and eat the leftover rice and I’ll have some of yours and have some of yours and yes that’s good. 

Then off to work meeting, /more food/, and again more speeches from people I admire. That is, people who put their all into their passion, regardless of what other people think.

It makes me think, maybe ten, twenty years from now, I’ll be the one giving inspiring speeches, supported by all my loved ones and a community waiting to be changed for the better.

But now, too much tea and tiramisu and coffee chocolate/ Can’t wait for tomorrow. 

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Is anyone else completely terrified by the concept that you could, someday, meet someone who actually genuinely wants to spend the rest of their life in love with you?

thoughts from last night 

(Source: makepieswakethedead)

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either I’ll attend your funeral or you’ll attend mine. Or we’ll go together.

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" I am sorry for filling you with beer and bad thoughts and then asking you why you shook. I am sorry for pinching you, for hitting you, for bruising the thin-skinned parts of you. I am sorry for the names I called you when we were fighting. You are not ugly. You are not useless. You would not be better off gone. I’m sorry for almost throwing you out into the street because my sadness was too much for me. I’m sorry for carving my fingernails into your thigh and then resenting the way people asked, “How’d that happen?” I’m sorry for plucking you and nicking your calves with drugstore razors. I’m sorry I let some people see you in the moonlight. They didn’t deserve to know the color of your hips like I do. I’m sorry for leaving you convulsing over a toilet bowl over some boy. I’m sorry I did not thank you for simply trying to take me where I wanted to go. I’m sorry I screamed at you to shrink, shrink, shrink when all you could do was grow. I’m sorry that this apology is ten years too late. I’m sorry that it will probably come again. I’m sorry that I do not treat anybody else as poorly as I have treated you. I’m sorry that I am constantly learning how to love you, when you have never once doubted how you feel about me. I’m sorry in ways I have not yet learned to communicate. "
- An Apology to My Body | Lora Mathis (via lora-mathis)
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" To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. "
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  • nourish club: keeping me sane and making me insane
  • SS: beam + social enterprise week
  • Vibrations - Taku also keeping me sane
  • interball was pretty fab, now have weetbix’s bday this friday woo
  • sarah’s comming back for five days, bearing kale seeds 
  • mme: 6abcdefghijk um
  • chem: organic + chrom + mass spec questions
  • engang: 2006 exam + cohesion
  • hhd: ottawa charter
  • smile smile smile
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